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Post by andrew on May 25, 2013 6:12:52 GMT
It's a pattern I've had my whole life; I just can't seem to get work done on time, ever... Even now, I'm meant to be finishing of clients work and I'm typing instead. so I'll work through this a bit on the screen; don't mind me! HAIETMOBA? Unclear. Physical annoyance, very visceral, the seat seems uncomfortable, there is a desire to go buy cigarettes. Mood is stable, but only just so, underneath I am angry at myself. I hate having to work, even work that I imagine I would enjoy at other times. I am unsure all the time, always doubting I can ever change this. I have given up inside somehow, it's like I never tried to start with, or can't remember the last time I succeeded (though I do eventually succeed at many things). It's the same feeling every time, as long as I can remember. so overall, I'm very aware of not being in control of this situation at all, 'I' have an agenda, i just don't know what it is! Of course, if I don't know what it is, then who will? that is the crux of it there; an agenda I just can't work out. Not doing my work is as annoying as doing it. It's like the perfect storm, damn if i do, damned if I don't. what is the third alternative here? there is an agenda going on, something very despondent yet smug, compliant enough to dream of enjoying it, rebellious enough to not do it when the time has come. that's a little clearer now. the responsibility to understand this agenda is coming back now that I have spelt it out; 'I' do know what my agenda is, 'I' just don't want to face it/ admit it. hmm.
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Post by andrew on May 25, 2013 6:50:19 GMT
Went out the backyard and gave this one a good mulling over (but with no mul actually involved!)
It seems the best lead on working out the agenda/paradox of 'my' ability to work is something my eldest son brought up this morning; he asked "Were you spoilt as a kid dad?" I hesitated, and answered no, referring in my mind to not having much in the way of material wealth. But I also had in my mind, darkly, another consideration and it followed in his next questions( which I didn't answer/avoided at the time) "what did grandma let you get away with?" I realized I got away with alot! So infact I was spoilt in a profound way, and just don't want to admit it. Entitled comes to mind.
thinking it through while sitting in the backyard (nice spring-like winters day here, birds singing sun shining!) I realised also how I had been getting HAIETMOBA wrong. It's not what you find, it the very act of finding it. It the the ACT, not just the fact per se.
I realized that trying to change what one finds, by simply counteracting it, is not productive. eg, the opposite of 'entitled and spoilt' may be 'humble and grateful', yet the third alternative is appreciation; the very act of being here, conscious, investigating, enjoying the sun, know the wonder of actually being here, conscious, investigating, enjoying the sun etc.
It's the *investigation*, the biological pathways of thought being built leading to an increase happiness and harmlessness, not a list of facts and figures abut 'me'. (To echo actualdinosaurs post in the PCE thread) Anyway, back to the fun.
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Post by martin on May 25, 2013 21:33:57 GMT
i can very well relate to those problems with working... seems like you "got it" in your last reply already but just to reiterate from my pov: I investigated all kinds of shit, I thought was important as to why I had trouble with procrastination and went in circles for a long time but the only thing that accomplished was: - still not much working - more suffering about not working investigation for me was just about having something to do while still not having to work aka avoidance the single most relevant thing for me was to learn to enjoy work... baby steps: in the beginning that means, when you think you should be working but - as usual - really don´t feel like it, at least sit down at your desk. no pressure to actually work, nothing... just sit, chill and then at some point just think about what actually needs to be done. There might be some kind of resistance/resentment/apprehension and therefore a desire to flee the scene. Whenever that happens, take a step back (mentally/emotionally) but stay seated. Get back to feeling good. When possible start slowly with a simple task. Feeling bad again? Stop working (pushing through it accomplishes nothing), get back to feeling good, start again. At some point it just becomes intuitively obvious that there is no point in feeling bad. I´ve had much more success with this direct experiential approach than with whatever kind of investigation. As soon as you don´t feel bad anymore (as a baseline) while working, you can actively start to increase enjoyment. This might be sensuousness but also becoming curious about the way your mind works, how associations are made, how you learn etc. What I have now noticed for myself is that there is much more willingness to not only work but be actually interested in work... I guess that´s another facete of naiveté, i.e. as soon as you stop overlaying your activities with preconceived (negative) ideas.... work can actually be interesting... yeah, fuck me, who would have thought? of course there are tasks which are more on the repetitive side, where there´s not much creativity involved... but those are actually good opportunities to experience how this stuff does itself, 'you' aren´t needed... so kick back and enjoy the show
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Post by andrew on May 26, 2013 3:09:40 GMT
when you think you should be working but - as usual - really don´t feel like it, at least sit down at your desk. no pressure to actually work, nothing... just sit, chill and then at some point just think about what actually needs to be done. There might be some kind of resistance/resentment/apprehension and therefore a desire to flee the scene. Whenever that happens, take a step back (mentally/emotionally) but stay seated. Get back to feeling good. When possible start slowly with a simple task. Feeling bad again? Stop working (pushing through it accomplishes nothing), get back to feeling good, start again. At some point it just becomes intuitively obvious that there is no point in feeling bad. Thanks Martin, that is great practical advice there, I was just thinkng as I walked in the room about that being a central benefit of being part of this forum; good practical advice. It's not that I can't get an understanding of what actualism is (if i slow down and actually think about it, I can get back to seeing the method clearly enough), it's the application, and how slippery 'i' am, how impractical 'i' am, how pleased 'i' get to have worked out an 'understanding', yet how impotent that understanding is when faced with the practicality of getting things done (even here I am squandering the method on 'getting things done'. Your advice here is just what I need to get it over the line into actual practice. It's at that point of getting an 'understanding' that I am includng a sabotage; in this case 'getting things done' becomes pre-eminent, instead of feeling good. for all 'my' understanding, your simple advice had not occurred to me at all (feeling good as a base line), the best I had come up with was 'enjoying being skillful', but I can see now that the downfall of that is it's focus is on the skill, not feeling good for it's own sake. 'i' am cunning that is for sure! the actual world is getting things done without this drama, if only i can stop complicating simple instructions with inclusions and diversions away from "feeling good as a baseline". cheers
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Post by taylor on Mar 22, 2019 10:32:00 GMT
You should distract yourself or think about the good things that happened in your life lately. As for me, I won 3000$ there on holymoly, it was amazing and very surprising for me! But the bad one is that my wife keeps telling that I should stop playing online games and it's quite sad, we even quarreled 3 times already. I don't know what to do.
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Post by Namane on Jan 13, 2021 21:46:17 GMT
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Post by Isacwom on Jan 24, 2022 21:49:12 GMT
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Post by Isacwom on Jan 24, 2022 21:50:04 GMT
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Post by Isacwom on Jan 24, 2022 21:51:21 GMT
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Post by Isacwom on Feb 25, 2022 13:17:52 GMT
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Post by Isacwom on Feb 25, 2022 13:19:10 GMT
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